It's like I'm 5 all over, again

It's like I'm 5 all over, again.
It's hard dealing wth the pain. The only true intimacy I enjoy is emotional; the physical has always been an obstacle.

I use to think it was the fault of my partner but now that i've grown and left that relationship the problems still persists-terrifying pain as soon as he enters at times it's tolerable but at other times-I hide my face and think of other things, there's no hope.

It's like I'm 5 all over, again. Here he comes, mommy where are you? Don't leave me here! Please, don't go! Please. I can't remember everything but as clear as day I remember crying but of course back then no rational adult would think that someone especially their own relative would be preying on their child.

It affects the rest of your life no matter what you do, where you go its always there-fear, pain along with a permanent reaction to second guess and/or doubt yourself een when you know it's right. It's like I'm 5 all over, again.

I have yet to seek professional help on this...but the pain and scars are starting to run so deep that I no longer see a way out-it's like I'm 5 all over, again.

I want out!

Bx 176 06.18.09

::sent from my Treo Pro::

W: http://phatgyrl.blogspot.com